1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:01,910 [theme music] 2 00:00:02,010 --> 00:00:04,913 ANNOUNCER: "The Dick Van Dyke Show." 3 00:00:05,013 --> 00:00:17,125 Starring Dick Van Dyke, Rose Marie, Morey Amsterdam, Larry Mathews, and Mary Tyler Moore. 5 00:00:20,462 --> 00:00:21,963 [laughter] 6 00:00:22,063 --> 00:00:23,064 Quiet, you guys. 7 00:00:23,164 --> 00:00:24,332 If you're laughing, this guy will hear you. 8 00:00:24,432 --> 00:00:25,333 It'll spoil everything. - Shh. 9 00:00:25,433 --> 00:00:26,735 Let me hook up the phone. 10 00:00:26,835 --> 00:00:29,070 I want to make sure so we can play the tape back later when he's all through. 12 00:00:29,170 --> 00:00:30,572 Don't you know that wiretapping is illegal? 13 00:00:30,672 --> 00:00:31,873 It's OK. 14 00:00:31,973 --> 00:00:32,874 If you don't turn us in, nobody will know. 15 00:00:35,043 --> 00:00:35,677 Hello. 16 00:00:35,777 --> 00:00:37,879 Madam Guy's Flower Shop. 17 00:00:37,979 --> 00:00:39,247 Good. 18 00:00:39,347 --> 00:00:41,950 I called you because you're the biggest flower shop in town. 19 00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:45,520 Do you have any cooking chrysanthemums? 20 00:00:45,620 --> 00:00:50,692 I'm with the State Department, and we're throwing a big dinner for the Shah of Zolzai. 22 00:00:50,792 --> 00:00:52,961 That's right the Zolzai Shah. 23 00:00:53,061 --> 00:00:54,529 [laughs] 24 00:00:54,629 --> 00:01:01,169 If the shah doesn't get his chrysanthemum stew, it might mean the break up of diplomatic relations. 26 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:03,538 You don't have any cooking chrysanthemums? 27 00:01:03,638 --> 00:01:04,539 Well, nuts to the shah. 28 00:01:04,639 --> 00:01:07,576 We'll give him a hot dog. 29 00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:08,510 That's beautiful. 30 00:01:08,610 --> 00:01:09,544 Hey, Buddy. 31 00:01:09,644 --> 00:01:10,612 Let's play it back. - Yeah. 32 00:01:10,712 --> 00:01:11,746 Yeah Yeah. No, wait a minute. 33 00:01:11,846 --> 00:01:13,214 I'll do another one. - Now look. 34 00:01:13,315 --> 00:01:14,716 Will you stop tying up my phone with that nonsense? 35 00:01:14,816 --> 00:01:18,053 Some guy might be trying to call me to elope. 36 00:01:18,153 --> 00:01:19,120 All right. 37 00:01:19,220 --> 00:01:20,722 Then instead I got a treat for everybody. 38 00:01:20,822 --> 00:01:21,990 Oh, you're going home? 39 00:01:25,594 --> 00:01:26,795 Mel, I forgot you were here. 40 00:01:26,895 --> 00:01:29,864 Now, we can play pin the tail on the donkey. 41 00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,132 Hey, Buddy, do another one. 42 00:01:31,232 --> 00:01:32,534 No, no, no, no. 43 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:35,904 Instead, my pal Phil Franklin is going to make the next call. 44 00:01:36,004 --> 00:01:37,238 Hey! 45 00:01:37,339 --> 00:01:42,377 Now, for the uninformed, Phil is by day my accountant, and by night the greatest practical joker 47 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:43,345 in the business. - Thank you. 48 00:01:43,445 --> 00:01:44,279 Thank you. 49 00:01:44,379 --> 00:01:45,580 Now, what shall it be? 50 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,649 Shall I call the pet shop or the corset shop? 51 00:01:47,749 --> 00:01:48,917 Hey, call Rob. 52 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:49,818 Rob who? 53 00:01:49,918 --> 00:01:50,785 Rob Petrie, my pal. Go ahead. 54 00:01:50,885 --> 00:01:52,053 Oh, yeah, yeah. OK. 55 00:01:52,153 --> 00:01:52,921 What should I do? 56 00:01:53,021 --> 00:01:54,255 Do the one that I tried on you. 57 00:01:54,356 --> 00:01:55,156 Oh yeah, yeah. 58 00:01:55,256 --> 00:01:56,224 The telephone repairman. 59 00:01:56,324 --> 00:01:57,726 This is a lulu. 60 00:01:57,826 --> 00:02:02,497 You know, the phone company is probably going to come out and rip out my area code. 62 00:02:02,597 --> 00:02:03,698 Sal, come on. 63 00:02:03,798 --> 00:02:04,733 You're pooping your own party. - Yeah. 64 00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,067 What party? 65 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,569 I should have held this one in a phone booth. 66 00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:08,570 Now, look. Nobody laugh. 67 00:02:08,670 --> 00:02:09,704 You understand? 68 00:02:09,804 --> 00:02:11,940 No matter what happens, I'll play the tapes back for you later. 70 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:12,941 OK? 71 00:02:13,041 --> 00:02:14,309 You want some chopped liver? 72 00:02:14,409 --> 00:02:15,610 Sally, will you stop hostessing? 73 00:02:15,710 --> 00:02:16,911 All right. I'm out of it. 74 00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:18,880 I am too. I'll eat your liver. 75 00:02:23,451 --> 00:02:24,686 [phone ringing] 76 00:02:24,786 --> 00:02:25,687 Oh, Rob. 77 00:02:25,787 --> 00:02:26,621 I've got to see the ending. 78 00:02:26,721 --> 00:02:27,622 Would you get it please? 79 00:02:27,722 --> 00:02:28,823 Well, honey. 80 00:02:28,923 --> 00:02:31,092 I want to see the end of it myself. 81 00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,428 Hold on. 82 00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:36,131 [gunfire on tv] 83 00:02:36,931 --> 00:02:38,700 They shot all the suspects. 84 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,668 Who did it? 85 00:02:40,769 --> 00:02:41,803 The victim. 86 00:02:41,903 --> 00:02:43,338 I might have known he wasn't dead. 87 00:02:43,438 --> 00:02:45,373 Well, it's a cheap-- that's it. 88 00:02:45,473 --> 00:02:46,608 I'm calling the network. 89 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:47,876 That is the worst. 90 00:02:47,976 --> 00:02:48,977 You want some coffee? 91 00:02:49,077 --> 00:02:50,678 Yeah. 92 00:02:50,779 --> 00:02:51,713 Hello. 93 00:02:51,813 --> 00:02:53,982 I'm sorry I kept you waiting. 94 00:02:54,082 --> 00:02:55,417 PHIL (ON PHONE): Oh, that's all right. 95 00:02:55,517 --> 00:02:57,719 Is this New Rochelle 69970? 96 00:02:57,819 --> 00:02:58,653 Yes, it is. 97 00:02:58,753 --> 00:02:59,854 Who's this? 98 00:02:59,954 --> 00:03:00,989 Mr. Murdoch, emergency repair division. 99 00:03:01,089 --> 00:03:02,624 Are you Mr. Petrie? - That's right. 100 00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,792 What can I do for you? 101 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,961 Say, have you used your telephone within the last hour or so? 103 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:09,130 Uh, no, as a matter of fact, I haven't. 104 00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:10,498 Why? 105 00:03:10,598 --> 00:03:14,702 [giggles] Mr. Petrie, some people have called us and said they tried to reach you and reported 107 00:03:14,803 --> 00:03:16,137 your telephone out of order. 108 00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:17,105 Really? 109 00:03:17,205 --> 00:03:18,573 Seems to be working all right now. 110 00:03:18,673 --> 00:03:19,974 Well, that's what we're checking on, sir. 111 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:21,009 Well, thank you very much. 112 00:03:21,109 --> 00:03:22,343 It seems to be all right now. 113 00:03:22,444 --> 00:03:24,579 Well, it's probably an overcrowded trunk line. 114 00:03:24,679 --> 00:03:26,347 Yeah, probably. 115 00:03:26,448 --> 00:03:29,651 PHIL (ON PHONE): If you have any trouble just get in touch with Murdoch. 117 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,685 That's me. 118 00:03:30,785 --> 00:03:32,554 Murdoch in the service division. 119 00:03:32,654 --> 00:03:33,488 All right. 120 00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:34,389 You bet. 121 00:03:34,489 --> 00:03:35,690 Bye. Uh. 122 00:03:35,790 --> 00:03:36,858 Mr. Murdoch, you still there? 123 00:03:36,958 --> 00:03:37,859 PHIL (ON PHONE): Yes. 124 00:03:37,959 --> 00:03:38,760 What's that noise? 125 00:03:38,860 --> 00:03:40,328 What noise? 126 00:03:40,428 --> 00:03:41,563 [tapping] 127 00:03:41,663 --> 00:03:44,632 Well, it's like a tapping or clicking, or something. 128 00:03:44,732 --> 00:03:45,567 Don't you hear it? 129 00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:46,468 Gee. 130 00:03:46,568 --> 00:03:48,369 I sure don't. 131 00:03:48,470 --> 00:03:49,504 It's sure not on this end. 132 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:50,505 I see. 133 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:51,706 Could you describe it to me? 134 00:03:51,806 --> 00:03:53,708 Well, it's just a tapping. 135 00:03:53,808 --> 00:03:54,642 I see. 136 00:03:54,742 --> 00:03:55,910 What does it sound like? 137 00:03:56,010 --> 00:03:59,180 ROB (ON PHONE): Well-- dah, dah, dah. 138 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:03,451 Dah-- it's-- this may be a little crazy, Mr. Murdoch. 139 00:04:03,551 --> 00:04:05,420 It sounds like the Battle Hymn of the Republic. 140 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,123 You know, (HUMMING) dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. 141 00:04:08,223 --> 00:04:09,124 Dah, dah, dah. 142 00:04:09,224 --> 00:04:10,191 Yes, I know. 143 00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,726 I know the Battle Hymn of the Republic. 144 00:04:11,826 --> 00:04:12,894 ROB (ON PHONE): [laughs] This is a little crazy. 145 00:04:12,994 --> 00:04:14,329 No, not really. 146 00:04:14,429 --> 00:04:16,464 Electrical impulses have definite rhythms, you know? 147 00:04:16,564 --> 00:04:17,799 Well, listen. 148 00:04:17,899 --> 00:04:19,100 I certainly don't want this noise on my phone. 149 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,669 PHIL (ON PHONE): Of course, you don't want that noise on your phone. 151 00:04:21,770 --> 00:04:22,837 Would you mind trying something? 152 00:04:22,937 --> 00:04:24,305 It might save us a trip. 153 00:04:24,405 --> 00:04:25,340 ROB (ON PHONE): Sure. 154 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,709 Hold the receiver in your right hand. 155 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,410 As I assume you are now. 156 00:04:29,511 --> 00:04:30,345 Well, no. 157 00:04:30,445 --> 00:04:31,446 I'm left-handed. 158 00:04:31,546 --> 00:04:32,881 PHIL (ON PHONE): Well, that's just as good. 159 00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:37,085 Now, with-- with the other hand pick up the base of the instrument and shake it vigorously 161 00:04:37,185 --> 00:04:39,287 while holding it above your head. 162 00:04:39,387 --> 00:04:41,389 What-- what is that going to do? 163 00:04:41,489 --> 00:04:43,758 It will jar your 2246. 164 00:04:43,858 --> 00:04:45,126 My 2246? 165 00:04:45,226 --> 00:04:47,328 Yeah, your audio filament. 166 00:04:47,428 --> 00:04:49,898 [tapping] 167 00:04:51,566 --> 00:04:52,400 How am I doing? 168 00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:53,434 Fine, fine. 169 00:04:53,535 --> 00:04:54,369 Just keep on going. 170 00:04:54,469 --> 00:04:55,603 Keep going. 171 00:04:55,703 --> 00:04:57,071 Hey, I think it stopped. 172 00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,006 PHIL (ON PHONE): Keep going. 173 00:04:58,106 --> 00:05:00,875 Keep on doing that. 174 00:05:00,975 --> 00:05:02,010 Darling? 175 00:05:02,110 --> 00:05:02,710 Hm? 176 00:05:02,811 --> 00:05:03,678 What are you doing? 177 00:05:03,778 --> 00:05:08,683 Oh, I'm jar-- jarring the double-- the filament, honey. 179 00:05:08,783 --> 00:05:09,751 The phone's out of order. 180 00:05:09,851 --> 00:05:11,119 I'm just talking to a repairman. 181 00:05:11,219 --> 00:05:12,787 Hello there. What's happening? 182 00:05:12,887 --> 00:05:14,856 Oh, I'm sorry. Uh-- [tapping] 183 00:05:14,956 --> 00:05:17,692 Hey, I think it's back. 184 00:05:17,792 --> 00:05:18,993 What do I do now? - Well, nothing. 185 00:05:19,093 --> 00:05:20,662 But thanks for trying. We'll send a man over. 186 00:05:20,762 --> 00:05:23,164 Goodbye. Except-- Except what? 187 00:05:23,264 --> 00:05:24,399 --well, I'd hate to trouble you. 188 00:05:24,499 --> 00:05:25,700 But if we can try just one more thing. 189 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,868 ROB (ON PHONE): What is it? 190 00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:31,039 Well, if you notice the earpiece unscrews counterclockwise. 192 00:05:31,139 --> 00:05:31,806 Uh. 193 00:05:31,906 --> 00:05:32,807 Yeah. 194 00:05:32,907 --> 00:05:34,075 Well, unscrew the earpiece. 195 00:05:34,175 --> 00:05:38,546 Sometimes the lead and terminal wires get unhooked, or loose as we say. 197 00:05:41,382 --> 00:05:41,983 OK. 198 00:05:42,083 --> 00:05:43,218 Just a second. 199 00:05:45,119 --> 00:05:46,588 OK. It's off. 200 00:05:46,688 --> 00:05:47,622 Good. Good. 201 00:05:47,722 --> 00:05:50,058 Now pull out the audio sensor. 202 00:05:50,158 --> 00:05:50,859 Uh. 203 00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:52,393 Is that a little round disc? 204 00:05:52,493 --> 00:05:53,228 Say, sir. 205 00:05:53,328 --> 00:05:55,129 You sure know your telephone. 206 00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:04,272 Well, the-- the lead and the terminal wire just seem to be fine. 208 00:06:04,372 --> 00:06:05,173 I still hear it. 209 00:06:05,273 --> 00:06:06,241 Uh-huh. 210 00:06:06,341 --> 00:06:07,408 Well, now try the mouthpiece. - Uh, OK. 211 00:06:07,508 --> 00:06:08,443 Just a second. 212 00:06:13,181 --> 00:06:14,315 OK. 213 00:06:14,415 --> 00:06:15,483 It's off. 214 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:16,684 PHIL (ON PHONE): Uh-huh. 215 00:06:16,784 --> 00:06:17,685 Now, take out the other round disc. 216 00:06:17,785 --> 00:06:18,319 Will you? - Yeah. 217 00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:19,187 Yeah. 218 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,024 Uh. 219 00:06:27,061 --> 00:06:28,363 It's off now. 220 00:06:28,463 --> 00:06:30,965 It was off, but it's on again, so you can hear me. 221 00:06:31,065 --> 00:06:33,501 But to all intents and purposes, it's off. 222 00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:34,402 Good. 223 00:06:34,502 --> 00:06:35,136 Good. 224 00:06:35,236 --> 00:06:36,871 Uh, now, do you hear it? 225 00:06:36,971 --> 00:06:37,939 No. No. 226 00:06:38,039 --> 00:06:39,407 I think we did it. - Good. 227 00:06:39,507 --> 00:06:40,041 Good. Good. 228 00:06:40,141 --> 00:06:41,442 That's wonderful. 229 00:06:41,542 --> 00:06:44,345 Now, now, lay it all on the table in front of you for a few seconds, will you? - Right. 231 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:45,380 Right. 232 00:06:53,488 --> 00:06:54,622 What do I do now? 233 00:06:54,722 --> 00:06:55,657 All right. 234 00:06:55,757 --> 00:06:57,258 Now, now, turn the base over. 235 00:06:57,358 --> 00:06:59,560 Now, you see that little grill? 236 00:06:59,661 --> 00:07:00,495 Yeah. 237 00:07:00,595 --> 00:07:01,729 Yeah. 238 00:07:01,829 --> 00:07:03,865 Now, there may be a little dust on your loud soft. 239 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:04,932 Loud soft? 240 00:07:05,033 --> 00:07:05,800 PHIL (ON PHONE): Yeah. Yeah. 241 00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:06,701 The modulator. 242 00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:07,869 Just blow hard on it. 243 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,203 There might be some dust in there. 244 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:10,338 Well, I don't understand. 245 00:07:10,438 --> 00:07:11,873 How could that cause the tapping? 246 00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:16,377 Gee, Mr. Petrie, if we knew the answer to that, we could save the telephone company millions. 248 00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:18,680 OK. 249 00:07:18,780 --> 00:07:20,748 [blows] How's that? 250 00:07:20,848 --> 00:07:22,050 Just keep blowing. 251 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,618 He's got the phone apart on the table, Buddy. 252 00:07:23,718 --> 00:07:24,886 You're a genius. 253 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,523 [blowing] 254 00:07:29,891 --> 00:07:30,758 PHIL (ON PHONE): Keep going. 255 00:07:30,858 --> 00:07:32,126 Blow on the bottom. 256 00:07:32,226 --> 00:07:33,728 What are you doing now? 257 00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,963 Blowing on the phone, honey. 258 00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:38,833 [blowing] 259 00:07:38,933 --> 00:07:40,735 Uh, I don't hear that tapping now. 260 00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:42,804 PHIL (ON PHONE): Screw back the mouthpiece, Mr. Petrie. 261 00:07:42,904 --> 00:07:44,005 Will you? - OK. 262 00:07:44,105 --> 00:07:48,876 Honey, I think I fixed the phone here. 263 00:07:48,977 --> 00:07:51,979 [mutters] No, there it is. 264 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,014 Mr. Murdoch, there. 265 00:07:53,114 --> 00:07:53,948 I guess we did it. 266 00:07:54,048 --> 00:07:55,116 Petrie, are you there? 267 00:07:55,216 --> 00:07:56,050 Yeah, I'm here. 268 00:07:56,150 --> 00:07:56,951 I'm here. 269 00:07:57,051 --> 00:07:59,554 Mr. Petrie! 270 00:07:59,654 --> 00:08:00,688 He can't hear me. 271 00:08:00,788 --> 00:08:02,423 Mr. Murdoch! 272 00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:05,493 Mr. Murdoch, I think I've broken the phone. 273 00:08:05,593 --> 00:08:07,295 Why'd you take it apart in the first place? 274 00:08:07,395 --> 00:08:08,663 The whole thing's ridiculous. 275 00:08:08,763 --> 00:08:11,899 Honey, you don't understand mechanical stuff. 276 00:08:11,999 --> 00:08:12,900 Murdoch! 277 00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:15,236 Talk louder, Mr. Petrie. 278 00:08:15,336 --> 00:08:17,772 I can't talk any louder. 279 00:08:17,872 --> 00:08:18,973 Honey, go in the kitchen. 280 00:08:19,073 --> 00:08:20,074 Maybe he can hear you on that phone. 281 00:08:20,174 --> 00:08:21,509 PHIL (ON PHONE): Gee. 282 00:08:21,609 --> 00:08:23,244 I guess you must have broken something, Mr. Petrie. 283 00:08:23,344 --> 00:08:24,278 We'll get someone out there first thing in the morning. 284 00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:25,413 Good night. - Hey, tonight. 285 00:08:25,513 --> 00:08:26,881 I'd like to have it fixed tonight. 286 00:08:26,981 --> 00:08:28,950 We could try one more thing. 287 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,084 Well, what now? 288 00:08:30,184 --> 00:08:31,619 PHIL (ON PHONE): Can you speak up? 289 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:32,887 I'm screaming now. 290 00:08:32,987 --> 00:08:34,756 Oh. 291 00:08:34,856 --> 00:08:36,023 Honey, is that you? 292 00:08:36,124 --> 00:08:37,525 PHIL (ON PHONE): What? 293 00:08:37,625 --> 00:08:38,626 I'm talking to my wife. 294 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:39,594 Honey, is that you? 295 00:08:39,694 --> 00:08:40,695 Yes, darling. 296 00:08:40,795 --> 00:08:43,231 You could stop the screaming. 297 00:08:43,331 --> 00:08:44,999 Mr. Murdoch, can you hear her? 298 00:08:45,099 --> 00:08:46,200 Who? 299 00:08:48,002 --> 00:08:49,237 Forget it. 300 00:08:49,337 --> 00:08:50,938 I think I must have broken something. 301 00:08:51,039 --> 00:08:53,641 I think it's my spleen actually. 302 00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:56,944 Rob, darling, why don't you just have them send someone over? 304 00:08:57,045 --> 00:08:58,146 Honey, please. 305 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:01,649 PHIL (ON PHONE): Listen, Mr. Petrie, will you get some facial tissue? 307 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:03,050 Facial tissue? 308 00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:04,285 What else? 309 00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:09,657 Get a nylon stocking, some hairspray, and a brown paper bag. 311 00:09:12,994 --> 00:09:13,928 Really? 312 00:09:14,028 --> 00:09:16,964 Now, now, put all the stuff-- the phone and everything-- put it in the bag. 314 00:09:17,064 --> 00:09:18,633 Yeah. Then what? 315 00:09:18,733 --> 00:09:20,435 Go out on your lawn. 316 00:09:20,535 --> 00:09:24,639 Swing it over your head and scream like a chicken. 317 00:09:24,739 --> 00:09:26,908 [laughter] 318 00:09:27,008 --> 00:09:28,609 ROB: Who is this? 319 00:09:28,709 --> 00:09:30,311 - Are you going to do it? - Of course not. 320 00:09:30,411 --> 00:09:31,446 Gee. 321 00:09:31,546 --> 00:09:32,713 I thought a jerk like you would do anything. 322 00:09:32,814 --> 00:09:34,148 [laughter] 323 00:09:34,248 --> 00:09:35,049 Perfect. 324 00:09:35,149 --> 00:09:36,017 Perfect. 325 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,785 It worked perfect. - Hello. 326 00:09:37,885 --> 00:09:38,786 Hello. 327 00:09:38,886 --> 00:09:39,687 Who is this? 328 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:40,621 It's me, Buddy. 329 00:09:40,721 --> 00:09:41,355 Buddy? 330 00:09:41,456 --> 00:09:42,290 BUDDY (ON PHONE): Yeah. 331 00:09:42,390 --> 00:09:44,125 I'm going to kill you. 332 00:09:46,861 --> 00:09:48,129 - Hi, Buddy. - Hi, Laura. 333 00:09:48,229 --> 00:09:49,030 Laura, did you hear? 334 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:49,964 Did you hear? 335 00:09:50,064 --> 00:09:51,299 Oh, yes, I heard. 336 00:09:51,399 --> 00:09:52,600 Buddy, who's laughing there? 337 00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:53,901 Where are you? - I'm at Sally's. 338 00:09:54,001 --> 00:09:54,836 At the party. 339 00:09:54,936 --> 00:09:55,803 Is everybody there? 340 00:09:55,903 --> 00:09:57,738 Well, everybody except you. 341 00:09:57,839 --> 00:09:59,474 Now, we got you on tape. 342 00:09:59,574 --> 00:10:00,608 OK, boy. 343 00:10:00,708 --> 00:10:01,742 You just go ahead and have your little fun. 344 00:10:01,843 --> 00:10:03,044 Yeah. We're having. 345 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:04,178 We're having. Hey, see you tomorrow, Rob. 346 00:10:04,278 --> 00:10:05,246 - Oh, no, you won't. - Well, why? 347 00:10:05,346 --> 00:10:06,314 Aren't you coming in? - Yeah. 348 00:10:06,414 --> 00:10:07,148 I am. But you're not. 349 00:10:07,248 --> 00:10:08,449 You're fired. 350 00:10:08,549 --> 00:10:09,884 That's the sore loser's way of getting even. 351 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:11,018 I'll think of something better. 352 00:10:11,118 --> 00:10:11,786 It's going to have to do for now. 353 00:10:11,886 --> 00:10:12,787 Goodbye, Buddy. 354 00:10:12,887 --> 00:10:14,422 BUDDY (ON PHONE): [laughing] 355 00:10:16,691 --> 00:10:17,925 [laughs] 356 00:10:18,025 --> 00:10:19,260 What are you laughing at? 357 00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:22,563 I just got a picture of you standing on the lawn screaming like a chicken. 359 00:10:22,663 --> 00:10:24,765 You watch it. 360 00:10:24,866 --> 00:10:28,202 Thought a jerk like you would doing it. 361 00:10:28,302 --> 00:10:29,203 That's what I was, all right. 362 00:10:29,303 --> 00:10:30,571 I was a jerk. 363 00:10:30,671 --> 00:10:31,906 - Oh, Rob, no, you weren't. - All right then. 364 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:32,840 What was I? 365 00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:34,075 Well, you were funny. 366 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,209 No. 367 00:10:35,309 --> 00:10:36,444 I was-- I was a jerk. Go ahead. 368 00:10:36,544 --> 00:10:37,145 Say it. 369 00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,112 Rob, you were a jerk. 370 00:10:38,212 --> 00:10:39,614 Thank you very much. 371 00:10:39,714 --> 00:10:42,583 Oh, if I could think of a clever joke right now, would I pull it on Buddy. 373 00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:43,551 You would not. 374 00:10:43,651 --> 00:10:44,819 Why wouldn't I? 375 00:10:44,919 --> 00:10:47,188 Because you're known far and wide as a good sport. 376 00:10:47,288 --> 00:10:48,256 You know something? 377 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:52,126 Sometimes a good sport is nothing more than just a good actor. 379 00:10:52,226 --> 00:10:56,097 I wonder how Buddy would feel and how he'd react if he was on the receiving end of one of those. 381 00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:59,600 Darling, are you talking yourself into getting even with Buddy? 383 00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,469 I think so. 384 00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:05,473 After all the sermons you've delivered listing the evils of practical jokes? 386 00:11:05,573 --> 00:11:07,141 Oh, I wouldn't do it for the fun of it. 387 00:11:07,241 --> 00:11:09,544 No, you'd be doing it for a good cause. 388 00:11:09,644 --> 00:11:10,478 That's right. 389 00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:11,179 Revenge. 390 00:11:11,279 --> 00:11:12,980 Yes. 391 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,248 How do you make a stink bomb? 392 00:11:17,919 --> 00:11:19,053 Good morning. 393 00:11:19,153 --> 00:11:20,054 Hi, Rob. 394 00:11:20,154 --> 00:11:21,355 Good morning, rats. 395 00:11:21,455 --> 00:11:22,456 Oh, now wait a minute. 396 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:24,091 I had nothing to do with it. 397 00:11:24,191 --> 00:11:25,293 Did you laugh? 398 00:11:28,029 --> 00:11:29,263 I fell on the floor. 399 00:11:29,363 --> 00:11:31,732 Well, then, you're a rat. 400 00:11:31,832 --> 00:11:33,734 Hey, Rob, you're not really sore, are you? 401 00:11:33,834 --> 00:11:34,702 Nah. 402 00:11:34,802 --> 00:11:36,137 I would like to hear the tape though. 403 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,071 Soon as I get it back. 404 00:11:37,171 --> 00:11:38,072 From where? 405 00:11:38,172 --> 00:11:39,373 Down at the rehearsal hall. 406 00:11:39,473 --> 00:11:41,108 The cast and the crew are listening to it. 407 00:11:41,209 --> 00:11:43,244 Oh, you are a sweetheart. 408 00:11:43,344 --> 00:11:44,445 Boy, some day, Buddy. - Yeah. 409 00:11:44,545 --> 00:11:45,179 Yeah. 410 00:11:45,279 --> 00:11:46,380 I know. 411 00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:47,481 Oh, incidentally your wife called. 412 00:11:47,582 --> 00:11:48,783 - Pickles called? - Yeah. 413 00:11:48,883 --> 00:11:49,717 Uh-huh. 414 00:11:49,817 --> 00:11:51,185 She wants you to call her back. 415 00:11:51,285 --> 00:11:52,186 She wants you to meet her at lunchtime. 416 00:11:52,286 --> 00:11:53,688 Mhm. 417 00:11:53,788 --> 00:11:56,591 Probably wants me to meet her in the middle of a lake in Central Park or something. 419 00:11:56,691 --> 00:11:57,992 No. No. 420 00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,027 She said she found a great place to buy antique cracker barrels. 421 00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:03,764 And if you can't meet her to call her at that number there before 12:00 noon. 423 00:12:06,734 --> 00:12:08,269 Rob, you can't get away with this. 424 00:12:08,369 --> 00:12:09,303 I'm not going to fall for that. 425 00:12:09,403 --> 00:12:10,304 No, it's no joke. 426 00:12:10,404 --> 00:12:11,272 Call her. 427 00:12:11,372 --> 00:12:12,206 All right. 428 00:12:12,306 --> 00:12:13,240 I'll humor you. 429 00:12:13,341 --> 00:12:14,308 You sure? - No. 430 00:12:14,408 --> 00:12:15,343 Go ahead, call her. 431 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,577 It's your wife. - All right. 432 00:12:16,677 --> 00:12:19,113 I'll give you the satisfaction, but I know it ain't going to work. 434 00:12:19,213 --> 00:12:20,314 Don't satisfy me. 435 00:12:20,414 --> 00:12:22,249 It's your wife. 436 00:12:22,350 --> 00:12:23,484 Hello. 437 00:12:23,584 --> 00:12:26,020 Hi, is Mrs. Sorrell there? 438 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,855 Sure, I'll wait. 439 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:29,323 Hey, you know, he's cute? 440 00:12:29,423 --> 00:12:32,293 Hey, Rob, you're cute. 441 00:12:32,393 --> 00:12:33,961 Hello, Pickles? 442 00:12:36,597 --> 00:12:38,099 What'd you hang up for? 443 00:12:38,199 --> 00:12:41,569 Who wants to talk to her? 444 00:12:41,669 --> 00:12:42,970 Buddy, that was really Pickles. 445 00:12:43,070 --> 00:12:44,171 I know. 446 00:12:44,271 --> 00:12:45,873 You think I'd hang up on a stranger? 447 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:48,309 She's over at the beauty parlor under the dryer. 448 00:12:48,409 --> 00:12:49,310 I'll call her later. 449 00:12:49,410 --> 00:12:50,911 Hey, Buddy, wasn't it a gag? 450 00:12:51,012 --> 00:12:52,046 No. 451 00:12:52,146 --> 00:12:54,181 It wasn't any gag, but I guarantee you he's planning a beauty. 453 00:12:54,281 --> 00:12:55,082 No. 454 00:12:55,182 --> 00:12:56,484 No. 455 00:12:56,584 --> 00:13:01,222 Buddy, when I finally play a practical joke on you, it will be so diabolically clever it'll 457 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,958 take you a year to recover. 458 00:13:04,058 --> 00:13:06,794 Say, you're really going to try something, huh? 459 00:13:06,894 --> 00:13:08,162 No, no. 460 00:13:08,262 --> 00:13:09,430 Well, don't worry about it. 461 00:13:09,530 --> 00:13:10,665 I won't do anything to hurt you anyway. 462 00:13:10,765 --> 00:13:11,732 Eh. 463 00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:13,134 I probably won't do anything. - Come on. 464 00:13:13,234 --> 00:13:14,068 Let's get down to work. 465 00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:15,136 Uh-huh. 466 00:13:15,236 --> 00:13:17,171 Sally, is he or isn't he? 467 00:13:17,271 --> 00:13:18,105 I don't know. 468 00:13:18,205 --> 00:13:20,174 Is you, Rob? 469 00:13:20,274 --> 00:13:21,742 Come on. Let's be fair. 470 00:13:21,842 --> 00:13:23,277 If I know something's coming, I'll worry. 471 00:13:23,377 --> 00:13:26,247 But if I don't know, I'll go nuts. 472 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:27,381 Oh? 473 00:13:27,481 --> 00:13:28,816 Congratulations, General Custer. 474 00:13:28,916 --> 00:13:30,818 You just sold some guns to the Indians. 475 00:13:30,918 --> 00:13:31,919 [laughs] 476 00:13:32,019 --> 00:13:34,321 [sarcastic laugh] You know you're vicious? 477 00:13:34,422 --> 00:13:36,023 Sally, you know he's vicious? - Hey, Rob. 478 00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:36,957 You're vicious. 479 00:13:37,058 --> 00:13:38,693 Oh yeah. 480 00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:40,461 Let's get down to work, shall we? 481 00:13:40,561 --> 00:13:41,562 Rob, I promise you. 482 00:13:41,662 --> 00:13:43,064 I can't be funny if I'm nervous. 483 00:13:43,164 --> 00:13:44,031 Watch it. 484 00:13:44,131 --> 00:13:45,166 What? 485 00:13:45,266 --> 00:13:46,300 You're going to sit on the coffee. 486 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:47,902 Oh. 487 00:13:48,002 --> 00:13:49,003 Dig that rank amateur. 488 00:13:49,103 --> 00:13:50,004 Buddy! 489 00:13:59,513 --> 00:14:03,284 Well, you just ruined my coffee. 490 00:14:03,384 --> 00:14:07,855 And I don't think you're going to be too choked up about what happened to your prune Danish either. 493 00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:16,997 PHIL (ON TAPE): Swing it over your head and scream like a chicken. 495 00:14:17,098 --> 00:14:18,165 ROB (ON TAPE): Who is this? 496 00:14:18,265 --> 00:14:19,600 PHIL (ON TAPE): You going to do it? 497 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:20,935 ROB (ON TAPE): Of course not. PHIL (ON TAPE): Gee. 498 00:14:21,035 --> 00:14:21,736 I thought a jerk like you would do anything. 499 00:14:24,105 --> 00:14:25,406 Boy. 500 00:14:25,506 --> 00:14:26,907 I got to admit, that Buddy's a clever rat anyway. 501 00:14:27,007 --> 00:14:29,610 Well, at least, he was nice enough to give you a tape. 502 00:14:29,710 --> 00:14:32,847 A copy of the tape. 503 00:14:32,947 --> 00:14:33,981 He made copies? 504 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:39,253 Honey, do you realize how valuable this tape is to Buddy if he ever runs against me for president? 506 00:14:39,353 --> 00:14:40,454 You're right. 507 00:14:40,554 --> 00:14:42,656 You should have taken a picture of him sitting on Sally's danish. 509 00:14:42,757 --> 00:14:48,996 [laughs] You know, he spent the whole day today at the office in a panic just waiting for me to strike. 512 00:14:49,096 --> 00:14:50,131 I did nothing. 513 00:14:50,231 --> 00:14:51,298 Nothing? 514 00:14:51,398 --> 00:14:54,935 Well, I sat and smiled at him a lot. 515 00:14:55,035 --> 00:14:56,737 That's not nothing. 516 00:14:56,837 --> 00:15:01,008 Honey, you know the best way in the world to teach Buddy a good lesson-- You mean get even with him? 519 00:15:01,108 --> 00:15:01,909 No, no. 520 00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,210 Teach him a lesson. 521 00:15:03,310 --> 00:15:06,180 The best thing to do is to do absolutely nothing to him 522 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:08,649 but just keep telling them that I'm going to do nothing. 523 00:15:08,749 --> 00:15:10,417 He won't believe you. 524 00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:13,420 And it'll drive him nuts. 525 00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:17,091 I'll call him now and tell him I'll do nothing. 526 00:15:17,191 --> 00:15:17,992 You can't call him now. 527 00:15:18,092 --> 00:15:18,793 It's too late. 528 00:15:18,893 --> 00:15:20,227 You'll probably wake him up. 529 00:15:20,327 --> 00:15:21,929 Good. 530 00:15:22,029 --> 00:15:24,498 You know there's a little bit of a monster in you? 531 00:15:24,598 --> 00:15:27,535 [chuckles] (FUNNY ACCENT) After all, my dear, nobody's perfect. 533 00:15:30,538 --> 00:15:31,739 Look. 534 00:15:31,839 --> 00:15:34,341 If Rob said he's not going to do anything, he's not going to do anything. 536 00:15:34,441 --> 00:15:35,743 Yeah. 537 00:15:35,843 --> 00:15:38,679 Any time a guy calls you in the middle of the night to say he ain't going to do anything rotten to you, 539 00:15:38,779 --> 00:15:40,748 he's going to do something rotten. 540 00:15:40,848 --> 00:15:42,950 He better get some sort of satisfaction. 541 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,652 Besides, I think that's very funny. 542 00:15:44,752 --> 00:15:47,688 Oh, you think it's funny to have somebody call you in the middle of the night? - No. 544 00:15:47,788 --> 00:15:50,891 I think it's very funny for somebody to call you in the middle of the night. 546 00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,193 Thank you. 547 00:15:52,293 --> 00:15:53,260 Good morning, gang. 548 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,363 I'm not part of your gang. 549 00:15:56,464 --> 00:15:57,498 Hey, Rob, he doesn't believe you. 550 00:15:57,598 --> 00:15:58,833 He's mad. 551 00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:00,000 Well, well, I brought a little peace offering. 552 00:16:00,100 --> 00:16:00,935 There you are. 553 00:16:01,035 --> 00:16:02,403 All for you, Mrs. Jelly's Donuts. 554 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:03,637 They're all yours. 555 00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:10,110 You think I'm going to open that box? 556 00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:11,612 Buddy, I told you last night. 557 00:16:11,712 --> 00:16:12,913 I'm not going to do anything. 558 00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:13,647 Honest, I mean it. 559 00:16:13,747 --> 00:16:16,217 I don't believe you. 560 00:16:16,317 --> 00:16:17,451 All right. 561 00:16:17,551 --> 00:16:20,020 Sal, what are those? 562 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,089 Jelly donuts. 563 00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:27,494 They look like jelly donuts, but they're probably full of Chinese mustard. 565 00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,395 Oh, boy. 566 00:16:28,495 --> 00:16:29,330 All right. 567 00:16:29,430 --> 00:16:31,632 I'll prove it to you. 568 00:16:31,732 --> 00:16:32,967 Delicious. - Sure. 569 00:16:33,067 --> 00:16:34,001 That's the good one. 570 00:16:34,101 --> 00:16:37,738 The other two got the poison in them. 571 00:16:37,838 --> 00:16:40,774 Sal, would you test one for the king please? 572 00:16:40,875 --> 00:16:44,445 I'm going off my diet for you, but OK. 573 00:16:44,545 --> 00:16:45,379 Hm. 574 00:16:45,479 --> 00:16:46,780 Very good. - There. 575 00:16:46,881 --> 00:16:47,514 Yeah. 576 00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:48,549 Those two are all right. 577 00:16:48,649 --> 00:16:51,352 That's the one with the poison. 578 00:16:51,452 --> 00:16:52,820 Boy, oh boy. 579 00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:53,721 All right. 580 00:16:53,821 --> 00:16:55,289 See? 581 00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:56,223 Delicious. 582 00:16:56,323 --> 00:16:57,424 Now, am I your friend? 583 00:16:57,524 --> 00:16:58,959 What kind of a friend are you? 584 00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,761 You bring me three jelly donuts, and you eat them yourself. 585 00:17:05,933 --> 00:17:11,705 Buddy, I sincerely hope that someday someone catches you, but good. 587 00:17:11,805 --> 00:17:13,774 But I promise you it's not going to be me. 588 00:17:13,874 --> 00:17:16,677 Would you put that in writing? 589 00:17:16,777 --> 00:17:18,045 My word isn't good enough for you? 590 00:17:18,145 --> 00:17:18,879 No. 591 00:17:18,979 --> 00:17:20,481 - Rob, are you busy? - No. 592 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,082 What is it, Mel? 593 00:17:22,182 --> 00:17:23,450 Alan would like to see you in his office for a few minutes? 594 00:17:23,551 --> 00:17:24,585 Does he want Buddy and Sally? 595 00:17:24,685 --> 00:17:26,253 Oh, we don't need Sally this time. 596 00:17:26,353 --> 00:17:29,123 Him, we never need. 597 00:17:29,223 --> 00:17:31,025 That's right. 598 00:17:31,125 --> 00:17:32,726 He's preoccupied. 599 00:17:32,826 --> 00:17:35,296 Keep him that way. 600 00:17:35,396 --> 00:17:40,367 In the meantime, would you try to convince Mr. Fear here he has nothing to fear but himself? 602 00:17:40,467 --> 00:17:41,435 Did you hear that, Mr. Fear? 603 00:17:41,535 --> 00:17:42,836 You have nothing to fear but you. 604 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,071 Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of. 605 00:17:44,171 --> 00:17:45,072 Hm? 606 00:17:45,172 --> 00:17:49,043 Any time a guy spends that much time trying to convince you, he must be setting me up for a dandy. 608 00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:50,978 [phone ringing] 609 00:17:51,078 --> 00:17:51,745 Hello. 610 00:17:51,845 --> 00:17:52,680 Yeah, just a minute. 611 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,114 For you, Buddy. 612 00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:55,049 Huh? 613 00:17:55,149 --> 00:17:56,917 Oh, Marge, hiya. 614 00:17:57,017 --> 00:17:57,985 Oh yeah? 615 00:17:58,085 --> 00:17:59,119 Say that again. 616 00:17:59,219 --> 00:18:00,888 [chuckles] Yeah. 617 00:18:00,988 --> 00:18:01,689 Good. 618 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,257 Well, send him on back here. 619 00:18:03,357 --> 00:18:05,292 And say hello to Rob for me. 620 00:18:05,392 --> 00:18:07,027 You know what I mean. 621 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,028 Yeah, sure. 622 00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,330 You know. 623 00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:13,033 [laughs] The amateur, Rob Petrie, is about to strike. 624 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,034 SALLY: What? 625 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:15,436 You know who he's sending back here? 626 00:18:15,536 --> 00:18:17,504 A guy from the Internal Revenue Service. 627 00:18:17,604 --> 00:18:18,505 So? 628 00:18:18,605 --> 00:18:19,807 So? 629 00:18:19,907 --> 00:18:22,409 His name is Handlebuck, William Handlebuck. 630 00:18:22,509 --> 00:18:24,511 Oh, you think Rob is-- Come on. 631 00:18:24,611 --> 00:18:25,813 Come on. 632 00:18:25,913 --> 00:18:26,814 The Internal Revenue, William Handlebuck. 633 00:18:26,914 --> 00:18:28,382 It's got to be a gag. 634 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:31,619 Well, I got to admit it sounds hokey, but who knows? 635 00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:32,553 I know. 636 00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:33,587 Look. 637 00:18:33,687 --> 00:18:35,022 Maybe this guy is legit, Buddy. 638 00:18:35,122 --> 00:18:37,391 And if it's one of Rob's gags, he'd want to be here, wouldn't he? 640 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:38,993 Rob's only a beginner. 641 00:18:39,093 --> 00:18:40,961 He thinks he has to get out of the office to avoid suspicion. 642 00:18:41,061 --> 00:18:43,197 Oh, I'm sorry he's going to miss this one. 643 00:18:43,297 --> 00:18:44,031 Miss what? 644 00:18:44,131 --> 00:18:45,699 The way I handle Handlebuck. 645 00:18:45,799 --> 00:18:46,633 [knocking on door] 646 00:18:46,734 --> 00:18:47,634 Hey, Buddy. 647 00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:48,702 This guy may be legitimate. 648 00:18:48,802 --> 00:18:49,703 Come on. 649 00:18:49,803 --> 00:18:51,405 With a name like Handlebuck. 650 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:52,339 Oh, how do you do? 651 00:18:52,439 --> 00:18:53,340 Mr. Sorrell. 652 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,209 Uh, Mr. Handlebar. 653 00:18:55,309 --> 00:18:57,011 Buck. 654 00:18:57,111 --> 00:18:58,045 Oh, yes. 655 00:18:58,145 --> 00:19:02,349 Sally Rogers, Mr. Buck Handlebar. 656 00:19:02,449 --> 00:19:03,550 No, no. 657 00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:04,718 William, William Handlebuck, Miss Rogers. 658 00:19:04,818 --> 00:19:06,120 SALLY: How do you do? - Oh yeah. 659 00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:06,820 Buck Rogers. 660 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:09,857 Come right over here. 661 00:19:09,957 --> 00:19:11,325 Yes, sir. - Well, thank you. 662 00:19:11,425 --> 00:19:13,293 As you know, I'm from the Internal Revenue Service. 663 00:19:15,562 --> 00:19:18,632 It's somewhat unusual for me to make a call like this. 664 00:19:18,732 --> 00:19:20,167 I was expecting you. 665 00:19:20,267 --> 00:19:23,303 I have here your income tax return from last year. 666 00:19:23,404 --> 00:19:24,872 Naturally. 667 00:19:24,972 --> 00:19:27,041 And there are several things which we'd like to check on. 668 00:19:27,141 --> 00:19:30,611 Well, I uh-- I knew it was just a matter of time. 670 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:32,012 Time? 671 00:19:32,112 --> 00:19:33,147 Yeah. 672 00:19:33,247 --> 00:19:34,615 I knew you'd catch up with me sooner or later. 673 00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:37,551 Well, it was hardly a matter of catching up with you, Mr. Sorrell. 675 00:19:37,651 --> 00:19:41,422 Well, might as well tell you I haven't had a good night's sleep since April 15, when 677 00:19:41,522 --> 00:19:42,923 I handed in that pack of lies. 678 00:19:46,694 --> 00:19:48,028 This is somewhat irregular. 679 00:19:48,128 --> 00:19:51,365 Well, what do you expect from a cheat and a fraud? 680 00:19:51,465 --> 00:19:53,534 I bet nobody ever confessed this soon before. 681 00:19:53,634 --> 00:19:54,601 Confessing? 682 00:19:54,701 --> 00:19:56,637 All I wanted to know was-- Well, look. 683 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:57,905 Let's get to the whole truth, sir. 684 00:19:58,005 --> 00:20:02,476 I lied about those expenses, and there's a little matter of $2,000 there that I didn't report. 686 00:20:02,576 --> 00:20:03,410 You didn't? 687 00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:04,711 And I'm not married. 688 00:20:04,812 --> 00:20:06,880 So that $600 deduction, that's a phony too. 689 00:20:06,980 --> 00:20:08,615 Rob, you got here just in time. 690 00:20:08,716 --> 00:20:09,716 They're about to take me away. 691 00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,185 Huh? 692 00:20:11,285 --> 00:20:13,520 Yeah, Mr. Handlebuck here from the Internal Revenue. 693 00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:14,588 He came to arrest me. 694 00:20:14,688 --> 00:20:15,689 - What's going on here? - Yeah. 695 00:20:15,789 --> 00:20:16,623 What's going on here? 696 00:20:16,724 --> 00:20:17,691 SALLY: Oh, come on, Rob. 697 00:20:17,791 --> 00:20:18,726 It didn't work. 698 00:20:18,826 --> 00:20:19,893 [laughs] - See. 699 00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:22,696 Mr. Handlebuck, I'll even write out the whole thing for the government, how I cheated. 701 00:20:22,796 --> 00:20:24,732 It didn't work. 702 00:20:24,832 --> 00:20:28,335 Uh, Mr. Handlebuck, I think there's been a little mistake here. 704 00:20:28,435 --> 00:20:29,670 I hope so. 705 00:20:29,770 --> 00:20:31,138 Rob, it's impolite to interrupt a confession. 706 00:20:31,238 --> 00:20:32,139 Hey, Rob. 707 00:20:32,239 --> 00:20:32,873 I didn't. 708 00:20:32,973 --> 00:20:34,608 Honest, I didn't. 709 00:20:34,708 --> 00:20:38,212 Mr. Handlebuck, I don't believe he realizes that you are Mr. Handlebuck of the Bureau 711 00:20:38,312 --> 00:20:39,346 of Internal Revenue. 712 00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:40,747 I suppose you got your credentials too, huh? 713 00:20:40,848 --> 00:20:41,648 Well, of course. 714 00:20:41,748 --> 00:20:43,016 Buddy, this is no joke. 715 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,485 Uh, cheating the government is never a joke. 716 00:20:44,585 --> 00:20:45,986 There you are. 717 00:20:46,086 --> 00:20:47,221 Well, isn't that nice? 718 00:20:47,321 --> 00:20:48,155 William Handlebuck. 719 00:20:48,255 --> 00:20:49,056 [laughs] 720 00:20:49,156 --> 00:20:50,691 Buddy. 721 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,825 - That does it! - Oh, no. 722 00:20:51,925 --> 00:20:53,160 Wait a minute. 723 00:20:53,260 --> 00:20:54,394 Let's get rid of this too while we're at it. 724 00:20:54,495 --> 00:20:55,496 - Oh, Buddy! - Don't do that. 725 00:20:55,596 --> 00:20:56,764 Happy New Year! 726 00:20:56,864 --> 00:20:57,898 Mr. Sorrell, you're in a lot of trouble. 727 00:20:57,998 --> 00:20:59,466 Hey, how about a bribe? 728 00:20:59,566 --> 00:21:00,534 Oh, that's all. 729 00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,568 You'll hear from us directly. 730 00:21:01,668 --> 00:21:02,703 Mr. Handlebuck, wait a minute. 731 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:04,004 He thinks that I sent you, you see. 732 00:21:04,104 --> 00:21:05,239 Please, mister. You don't understand. 733 00:21:05,339 --> 00:21:06,740 - I understand perfectly. - Beautiful. 734 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:07,674 Beautiful. 735 00:21:07,774 --> 00:21:08,876 What a performance. 736 00:21:08,976 --> 00:21:10,811 Buddy, you're in trouble. 737 00:21:10,911 --> 00:21:11,745 Mr. Handlebuck! 738 00:21:11,845 --> 00:21:12,646 Ow. 739 00:21:12,746 --> 00:21:14,581 Excuse me, lady. 740 00:21:14,681 --> 00:21:16,183 What happened, Rob? 741 00:21:16,283 --> 00:21:19,953 Well, he got on the elevator, and I busted my leg on a lady. 742 00:21:20,053 --> 00:21:21,522 Hey, you guys were beautiful. 743 00:21:21,622 --> 00:21:23,490 You're pert near as good an actor as that hokey Handlebar. 744 00:21:23,590 --> 00:21:25,793 Buddy, what do I have to do to convince you you're in trouble? 745 00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:27,427 Come on, Rob. You tried. 746 00:21:27,528 --> 00:21:28,462 Forget it. Forget it. 747 00:21:28,562 --> 00:21:29,730 I'll sign a sworn statement. 748 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:32,432 I'll-- we don't need my signature. 749 00:21:32,533 --> 00:21:33,500 We got yours. 750 00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:34,434 Wait a sec. 751 00:21:34,535 --> 00:21:35,836 Where is it? 752 00:21:35,936 --> 00:21:36,737 There we are. 753 00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:38,238 Look at that. 754 00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:40,374 Hey, that's my return, my tax return. 755 00:21:40,474 --> 00:21:41,141 Mm-hmm. 756 00:21:41,241 --> 00:21:42,276 With your signature on it. 757 00:21:42,376 --> 00:21:43,477 Well, how did he get ahold of it? 758 00:21:43,577 --> 00:21:44,711 This is government property. 759 00:21:44,812 --> 00:21:47,147 Maybe he works for the government. 760 00:21:56,790 --> 00:21:58,225 Will you stop that pacing? 761 00:21:58,325 --> 00:22:00,327 You look like the little man in the shooting gallery. 762 00:22:00,427 --> 00:22:01,328 I can't help it. 763 00:22:01,428 --> 00:22:02,763 I'm upset. 764 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:06,466 Buddy, Handlebuck must have realized something was wrong, or he wouldn't have called back. 766 00:22:06,567 --> 00:22:07,668 I don't know about those guys. 767 00:22:07,768 --> 00:22:09,169 You can't trust those honest fellows. 768 00:22:09,269 --> 00:22:11,905 Will you at least trust me that I'm not trying to get you, Buddy? 770 00:22:12,005 --> 00:22:13,307 Oh yeah. 771 00:22:13,407 --> 00:22:15,509 [phone ringing] 772 00:22:15,609 --> 00:22:16,577 Yeah, Marge. 773 00:22:16,677 --> 00:22:17,644 OK. Good. 774 00:22:17,744 --> 00:22:18,579 Send him up. 775 00:22:18,679 --> 00:22:19,513 All right. 776 00:22:19,613 --> 00:22:21,048 Now, remember, Buddy. 777 00:22:21,148 --> 00:22:22,416 Guys like Handlebuck don't have much of a sense of humor. 778 00:22:22,516 --> 00:22:23,951 Oh, boy, there's no argument about that. 779 00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,118 [knocking on door] 780 00:22:25,219 --> 00:22:26,553 Let me do the talking please. 781 00:22:26,653 --> 00:22:27,754 OK. 782 00:22:27,854 --> 00:22:29,256 Well, Mr. Handlebuck, come right in. 783 00:22:29,356 --> 00:22:30,190 Thank you. 784 00:22:30,290 --> 00:22:37,164 As I told you on the telephone, Mr. Sorrell here, he's, um, thought you were actually an actor, you see. 787 00:22:37,264 --> 00:22:40,567 But I told you all that on the phone. 788 00:22:40,667 --> 00:22:41,735 Well, I believe you. 789 00:22:41,835 --> 00:22:44,404 And there's a matter of destroying his income tax form though. 791 00:22:44,504 --> 00:22:47,774 Well, if there's any penalties or anything like that, sir, I'll be glad to pay it. 793 00:22:47,874 --> 00:22:48,775 I didn't mean it, honest. 794 00:22:48,875 --> 00:22:49,776 - I know that. - Yeah. 795 00:22:49,877 --> 00:22:50,878 He's a good boy. 796 00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:54,014 May I uh-- may I have the torn form please? 797 00:22:54,114 --> 00:22:55,249 BUDDY: There you are, sir. 798 00:22:55,349 --> 00:22:56,650 I'll be glad to do anything, anything. 799 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:57,951 I'll do it. I'll do it. 800 00:22:58,051 --> 00:22:59,253 Well, this shouldn't be too complicated. 801 00:22:59,353 --> 00:23:01,255 We'll take this form, tape it together. 802 00:23:01,355 --> 00:23:03,490 Then you make out a new form, copying this one exactly. 803 00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:04,625 Yes, sir. I'll do it. 804 00:23:04,725 --> 00:23:05,792 I'll do it. 805 00:23:05,892 --> 00:23:08,562 Then put both forms in a paper bag, wave it over your head, and (HIGH-PITCHED) 807 00:23:08,662 --> 00:23:12,366 scream like a chicken. 808 00:23:12,466 --> 00:23:16,370 [laughter] 809 00:23:16,470 --> 00:23:19,473 [shouting] 810 00:23:31,518 --> 00:23:32,119 You, you're the guy. 811 00:23:32,219 --> 00:23:33,287 You helped Rob get me. 812 00:23:33,387 --> 00:23:35,088 You gave him my tax return. 813 00:23:35,188 --> 00:23:36,723 Just a reasonable facsimile. 814 00:23:36,823 --> 00:23:37,724 And I didn't help anybody. 815 00:23:37,824 --> 00:23:40,260 I got you myself for myself. 816 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,261 Oh! 817 00:23:41,361 --> 00:23:42,863 Great job, Mr. Handlebuck. 818 00:23:42,963 --> 00:23:44,031 Why are you shaking hands? 819 00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:45,432 I knew it all the time. 820 00:23:47,935 --> 00:23:48,969 OK. 821 00:23:49,069 --> 00:23:50,304 Now, what was that last sentence? 822 00:23:50,404 --> 00:23:53,907 I promise I will get Phil Franklin if it's the last thing I ever do. 824 00:23:54,007 --> 00:23:56,109 Signed, Buddy Sorrell. 825 00:23:56,209 --> 00:23:58,145 You don't have to put it in writing, Buddy. 826 00:23:58,245 --> 00:23:59,279 I was right about one thing. 827 00:23:59,379 --> 00:24:01,815 When you're on the receiving end, you're not such a good sport. 829 00:24:01,915 --> 00:24:03,050 Yeah. 830 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,351 What bugs me it was such a rotten gag. 831 00:24:04,451 --> 00:24:06,620 He never would have caught me if I wasn't so worried about you catching me. 833 00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:08,121 Well, that's how I caught you. 834 00:24:08,221 --> 00:24:11,658 I mean, I knew you were so worried about Rob that I set it up to look like he did it. - Sure. 836 00:24:11,758 --> 00:24:13,226 Sure. 837 00:24:13,327 --> 00:24:13,860 And you knew I'd see through it and do exactly what I did. 838 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,062 Uh-huh. 839 00:24:15,162 --> 00:24:16,029 - Ah, that was brilliant, Phil. - Yeah. 840 00:24:16,129 --> 00:24:17,097 Who got a pen? 841 00:24:17,197 --> 00:24:18,498 Got a pen? - Oh, here, here. 842 00:24:18,598 --> 00:24:19,266 Use mine. - Oh, no. 843 00:24:19,366 --> 00:24:20,467 None of those trick pens. 844 00:24:33,780 --> 00:24:34,748 I put it in there. 845 00:24:34,848 --> 00:24:35,782 You did? 846 00:24:41,021 --> 00:24:46,393 [theme music]